Chip Shot from an April Fool

(Blogger's Note: Ah, I'm finally back to writing for this blog, and it took a moron from Hong Kong to get me off my "creative stupor". Anyway, I felt compelled to write my piece, and what coincidence it is to fall on April Fools' Day--Chip Tsao's favorite day. Enjoy.)

There has been a huge controversy about the article below, written by a certain Chip Tsao. "The War at Home", as it is titled, states that the Philippines, as a "nation of servants", have no right to claim the Spratly Islands., among other things. Of course, it sparked a firestorm from Filipinos everywhere. (I did not bother to put Chip Tsao's picture, it'll just spoil the days of everyone who takes a peek in this humble blog)

The war at home

by Chip Tsao
HK Magazine

The Russians sank a Hong Kong freighter last month, killing the seven Chinese seamen on board. We can live with that—Lenin and Stalin were once the ideological mentors of all Chinese people. The Japanese planted a flag on Diàoyú Island. That’s no big problem—we Hong Kong Chinese love Japanese cartoons, Hello Kitty, and shopping in Shinjuku, let alone our round-the-clock obsession with karaoke.

But hold on—even the Filipinos? Manila has just claimed sovereignty over the scattered rocks in the South China Sea called the Spratly Islands, complete with a blatant threat from its congress to send gunboats to the South China Sea to defend the islands from China if necessary. This is beyond reproach. The reason: there are more than 130,000 Filipina maids working as $3,580-a-month cheap labor in Hong Kong. As a nation of servants, you don’t flex your muscles at your master, from whom you earn most of your bread and butter.
As a patriotic Chinese man, the news has made my blood boil. I summoned Louisa, my domestic assistant who holds a degree in international politics from the University of Manila, hung a map on the wall, and gave her a harsh lecture. I sternly warned her that if she wants her wages increased next year, she had better tell every one of her compatriots in Statue Square on Sunday that the entirety of the Spratly Islands belongs to China.

I summoned Louisa, my domestic assistant who holds a degree in international politics from the University of Manila, hung a map on the wall, and gave her a harsh lecture. I sternly warned her that if she wants her wages increased next year, she had better tell every one of her compatriots in Statue Square on Sunday that the entirety of the Spratly Islands belongs to China.

Oh yes. The government of the Philippines would certainly be wrong if they think we Chinese are prepared to swallow their insult and sit back and lose a Falkland Islands War in the Far East. They may have Barack Obama and the hawkish American military behind them, but we have a hostage in each of our homes in the Mid-Levels or higher. Some of my friends told me they have already declared a state of emergency at home. Their maids have been made to shout “China, Madam/Sir” loudly whenever they hear the word “Spratly.” They say the indoctrination is working as wonderfully as when we used to shout, “Long live Chairman Mao!” at the sight of a portrait of our Great Leader during the Cultural Revolution. I’m not sure if that’s going a bit too far, at least for the time being.

Of course, there are some "cooler heads" who have been saying that we Filipinos should not be at the very least affected of this article, namely because a) "totoo naman ang sinasabi niya about us being a "nation of servants", and b) it's just a satire, him being known in Hong Kong as a satirist.

I could say that they are the proverbial "cooler heads", not because they counsel restraint, but because of the lack of live grey matter in their skulls. Eh ano kung totoong marami sa ating mga kababayan ang nagtatrabaho bilang katulong, hindi lang sa Hong Kong, kundi sa ibang bansa? It doesn't give him the right to even think about using our countrymen as pawns. Satire? Well, reading the column, it was not even a poor copy of a real satire. It was chest-thumping against a smaller neighbor, coupled by a naked challenge to an economically shattered and militarily stretched America to oppose Chinese designs in the Western Pacific. But that's another subject matter.

Now, we go to answering that article...

1. Chip Tsao says, "As a nation of servants, you don’t flex your muscles at your master, from whom you earn most of your bread and butter..."

What? We might be a "nation of servants", but China ain't our master. Oh, by the way, if that's how you see it, you shouldn't be also flexing your muscles at America, since you have Chinese people who work there. So then.

2. Chip Tsao says, "I summoned Louisa, my domestic assistant who holds a degree in international politics from the University of Manila, hung a map on the wall, and gave her a harsh lecture. I sternly warned her that if she wants her wages increased next year, she had better tell every one of her compatriots in Statue Square on Sunday that the entirety of the Spratly Islands belongs to China..."

Pathetic. You're threatening your father's Filipina "domestic assistant" (Note: News reports say that "Louisa" is working for Chip Tsao's father. So we see another Chip Tsao fallacy.--mami_noodles) with withholding a wage increase just to say that Spratlys belong to China? Truly pathetic. If you really hung a map on the wall and still able to say that the Spratlys does not belong to the Philippines, then you should a) have your glasses fixed, and b) read up on the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea (UNCLOS). It's very clear.

3. Chip Tsao says, "Grimly, I told her that if war breaks out between the Philippines and China, I would have to end her employment and send her straight home, because I would not risk the crime of treason for sponsoring an enemy of the state by paying her to wash my toilet and clean my windows 16 hours a day. With that money, she would pay taxes to her government, and they would fund a navy to invade our motherland and deeply hurt my feelings..."

Wait, did I just read about the Philippines invading China? Hahaha. The only invasion that is happening is his country's invasion of our territory. And we are entitled as a sovereign nation to defend our land (or waters), right? So, Chip, you don't have to worry about us hurting your feelings because we would not invade China. We'll just build a navy to shoo away "invaders", just like a person might get a flyswatter to shoo away flies on his dinner.

4. Chip Tsao says, "Oh yes. The government of the Philippines would certainly be wrong if they think we Chinese are prepared to swallow their insult and sit back and lose a Falkland Islands War in the Far East. They may have Barack Obama and the hawkish American military behind them, but we have a hostage in each of our homes in the Mid-Levels or higher..."

Do you also think that we'll just sit back and let you do that? No f-ing way. Despite the best efforts of the impostor posing as our President to give your country a pass (of course, in exchange for "loans" that has no oversight, just like what your government does in Sudan and North Korea) by having her lackeys in our Congress pass a really stupid baselines bill, you still won't have it your way. By the way, be careful with what you wish for, Chip, you just might get it and Barack Obama might just have the "hawkish American military" kick your country's a** back to common sense (or to the Ming dynasty, whichever is farther).

As a parting shot, Chip, the last time a Chinese tried to invade these islands, he failed and squirreled away using a tunnel to the sea. Just ask Limahong.

It's your day today, Chip. Happy April Fools.